PARENTING
By Steve

"Lades, I think you will agree with me, sometimes RW carry about her children more then somebody else..." Marina
”Marina, how much does a man care about a child that is not his depends very much on the man and the relationship he has with his wife!”  Steve (from the discussion at the Forum of RWA)

I am a single father of a boy 15 and girl 17. I raised them alone since my son was just 6 months old. Several years ago, I took a troubled girl into my home. She was 13. She lived with us for nearly a year. She was not my child but now I love her very much! She was NOT the child of a girlfriend or wife. But she still calls me "Dad" sometimes and she is now 17. While her relationship with me was not because of a wife or girlfriend, I have bonded very closely with her. I know I am not the common man. I love children very much. However, I know many men who love children very much. A good man that loves his wife will love her children. Why? Because the child is PART of his wife. Therefore, if he loves his wife, he will also love her child as well. The same is true for a woman and her husband’s children. In fact everything I will say here, while written from the perspective of a woman with children, also applies to the way a woman relates to a man with children.

Having said that, there is a big mistake that many women make with children. They become over protective. If you love a man enough to marry him then you should love him enough to trust him with your child. If a woman does not trust a man that much, then she should not marry him. Children like to play parents against one another, even when both parents are the biological ones. If a child wants a candy bar and Dad says "NO!" then a child will often ask Mom. If Mom then says "Yes" the father's authority is damaged and the child loses respect for both parents even if the child LIKES one parent’s answer more than the other’s]. The same is true of a punishment. If Dad says "that was wrong, you are grounded for a week" then Mom should not go against that.

If a woman does not like the way a man handles a situation with a child then she should approach him IN PRIVATE. The same is true if a man disagrees with how a woman handles a child. If something needs to be undone then the one who told the child what to do MUST be the one that does this correction. In other words if Dad made a mistake then Dad needs to apologize.

It should be noted that if the couple both agree that there was a better way to handle a situation, that does NOT demand that an apology is made to the child, only that the disputed procedures are changed for the next occasion. Apologies should be reserved for those times when someone has acted in a profoundly inappropriate way. For example if one parent were to blame and ridicule a child for a vehicle breaking down because it broke on the way to taking him or her to band practice. Tactical changes are NOT grounds for apologies and apologies in these circumstances may erode a child’s confidence in Mom and Dads parenting skills.

Sometimes people will not ALWAYS agree on what is best in a given situation. This is true when the biological mother and father are together, not just when there is a stepparent. But, if there is a stepparent, this becomes a much bigger problem. Women are naturally nurturing and protective. When a decision is made by a biological father, a woman will rationalize that this child is HIS, so he will do what is best for the child. But when the father is not the biological father women sometimes feel the man is not fair, is too strict, or just does not understand HER child, so she interferes. She becomes overprotective, and in doing so actually harms not only her relationship with her husband, but her child’s own security and the entire family happiness as well.

A man will resent this very much. He may feel his best efforts are not being appreciated. He may feel manipulated, taken advantage of and disrespected. He may start to wonder why his wife married him if she does not trust him. As his resentment builds, his wife may perceive this as a sign that he does not love, or even like, her child. When this happens she will be even more protective and overcompensating than ever. This can drive a terrible wedge between a man and wife and there are numerous accounts where a major friction point in a Russian American marriage was the children. Interfering should never be done unless there is a very serious threat to the child’s safety. First, what may seem to a mother to be unfair at in the beginning may not be as unfair as she thinks. Second, there is not a person reading this that can't remember when a parent was unfair at some point in their life. But while a woman may rationalize that a biological father may be more inclined to make good decisions because of his physical bond, she may demand that her new husband remain infallible. In other words she may tolerate a difference in opinion or a mistake from the biological father, but she won’t from the step father because he has no genetic connection to the child and therefore has no right to make that mistake.

A mild injustice done by a parent with good intentions, may have no significant long term impact. But spoiling a child or interfering with a your spouse’s authority will damage the marriage, make children difficult to manage and assure that a child never sees the couple as legitimately married. The damage to a marriage can last long after the children have grown up and moved out. Married people need to recognize that their spouse comes first, even before children. Of course this does not mean a mother or father will stand by in the face of genuine abuse or neglect. However, if marriage is supposed to be lifelong, then children are simply one part of that lifelong process. If I were asked which movie or restaurant I was going to with my wife and children, then I would pick the one my wife wanted to go to over what my children want, though we may decide together to go the movie or restaurant that pleases the children. Somehow couples have forgotten that the husband is king, the wife is queen, and all others are just royal subjects, no matter how loved and treasured those subjects are.

My children understand this. When I am in a very serious dating relationship with a woman, they know they must listen to the reasonable authority of my girlfriend. I decide what level of authority my girlfriend has in advance, based on the relationship I have with her, and I tell my children what that authority is. It is assumed that if I were married that her authority would be total and my wife’s word would be taken as though I had spoken myself. My children sometimes complain as all children will, but they do not resent my position. In fact it comes natural for them, as they are expected to respect ALL adult authority. This is often a neglected aspect of child rearing today. However, the results are unquestionable. My children respect adults, and therefore have earned the respect of adults. I constantly receive praises from their teachers and coaches. I have been told many times that my son or daughter is the most respectful, best behaved child the teacher or coach has EVER taught. Ultimately. this has been of great benefit to my children.

Sometimes a man can make a mistake, but if a woman interferes, she may correct a slight injustice, but in doing so creates a huge problem between husband and wife, loss of respect from the child, and make a man feel that neither the child OR his own wife respect him. These problems become large very quickly and have destroyed many marriages.

Remember, we love what we invest in. A woman has a nine month bonding advantage when a child is born. If the man is a step dad, then the advantage may be years, not just months. However, this does not mean he can not love the child as his own, or even love the child as much as his or her mother. However, a woman must let a man be a parent. we must remember that all parents make mistakes. If she challenges his authority in front of the children she may be damaging his bond with her child. Instead of bonding with the child and becoming a father he may end up resenting the child as a stumbling block to his marital success.

This problem may even be greater for the AM/RW couple. Because of differences in culture and language a woman's perceived "understanding gap" may even greater than it is for the American couple. After all, sometimes a Russian woman will feel like her husband does not understand her , so how could he possibly understand her child?! If a woman truly loves her man, then she must trust him. All good family relationships are built on trust. So remember:

1. Don't challenge him in front of the children. Discuss things in private.
2. If you both agree he made a mistake then let HIM make the corrections and apologies.
3. Remember that HE must be first in your life and you must be first in his.
4. Give your husband the chance to love your children as he loves you.

Some people will differ with my opinion. However, I hope this post helps some couples to avoid the friction children can bring to a marriage. If there is mutual respect, children can be a wonderful thing for both husband and wife, bringing them closer together, not pushing them farther apart. Regardless of your opinion, I encourage all replies.

Steve M.
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